I realize that I have a different relationship to pregnancy in general than most people, having been trained as a labor doula and also studying reproduction during both my undergraduate and graduate programs. I also realize that many people in our culture don't think of consent outside of a sexual context. So here is a little information that might be useful.
Women are people, even when they're pregnant. Women are autonomous beings, with feelings and preferences, even when they're pregnant. Women get to decide when and how they are touched and by whom, even when they are pregnant.
This may sound elementary and obvious, but you wouldn't always know it just by watching the interactions that pregnant women have with the people around them. It seems that, when pregnant, the common wisdom is that one's body belongs to the world. This is actually a huge issue of consent, as every time you touch a pregnant woman's belly without her express consent, you are in effect telling her that your wish to touch the belly is more important than her comfort, feeling of safety, or preference.
So here are some tips when interacting with the pregnant people in your life:
1. Recognize that she is still herself-- she just happens to be growing a person. If you don't have the kind of relationship in which she would feel comfortable with you rubbing her non-pregnant belly, don't assume you suddenly have the go-ahead just because there's a baby in there.
2. Don't assume that because you were allowed or invited to touch the belly or feel the baby kick in the past that this is still true. Ask every time, unless she has expressly said otherwise.
3. Recognize that different people have different relationships with her, and just because I get to touch the belly whenever I want doesn't mean you do (I did, in fact, ask consent, and was given the express permission to commune with the baby any time I want. You know what though? I still ask, just to make sure). Just because she gave one friend consent doesn't mean you are entitled to touch without asking.
Finally, please teach your children these guidelines as well. Not only will it make the pregnant people in your life more comfortable, it's an important lesson to teach them about consent and bodily autonomy-- theirs and that of others!
Women are people, even when they're pregnant. Women are autonomous beings, with feelings and preferences, even when they're pregnant. Women get to decide when and how they are touched and by whom, even when they are pregnant.
This may sound elementary and obvious, but you wouldn't always know it just by watching the interactions that pregnant women have with the people around them. It seems that, when pregnant, the common wisdom is that one's body belongs to the world. This is actually a huge issue of consent, as every time you touch a pregnant woman's belly without her express consent, you are in effect telling her that your wish to touch the belly is more important than her comfort, feeling of safety, or preference.
So here are some tips when interacting with the pregnant people in your life:
1. Recognize that she is still herself-- she just happens to be growing a person. If you don't have the kind of relationship in which she would feel comfortable with you rubbing her non-pregnant belly, don't assume you suddenly have the go-ahead just because there's a baby in there.
2. Don't assume that because you were allowed or invited to touch the belly or feel the baby kick in the past that this is still true. Ask every time, unless she has expressly said otherwise.
3. Recognize that different people have different relationships with her, and just because I get to touch the belly whenever I want doesn't mean you do (I did, in fact, ask consent, and was given the express permission to commune with the baby any time I want. You know what though? I still ask, just to make sure). Just because she gave one friend consent doesn't mean you are entitled to touch without asking.
Finally, please teach your children these guidelines as well. Not only will it make the pregnant people in your life more comfortable, it's an important lesson to teach them about consent and bodily autonomy-- theirs and that of others!